the problem with finally beginning to write about topic of customer faux pas (...'s. es. 'ses?) is that there are so damn many to choose from. i don't know where to begin. for starters, everything in the movie 'Waiting...' is true. not all the time and not for every restaurant, but i've seen a version of everything in that movie happen in real life.
this feature isn't meant to be a threat. like if you make a mis-step as a customer, we're going to punish you. it isn't meant to be a tutorial, either. what it IS meant to be is an explanation of what is going on in a restaurant beyond the bubble of your table. and, more than anything else, it is meant to be funny. as angry as i might sound, keep that in mind. (angry people are funny, right?)
for this post, the scale that i'm using to gauge the customer annoyingness factor is the SAR scale, or Server Annoyance Rating, which is represented by a place setting:
this set up, here, is a server's dream: simple napkin roll-up, filled with silverware, on top of a bread plate (pumpkin optional). Easy, not a lot of stress involved, not at all confusing. This image equals you, as a table: easygoing, friendly, and not demanding or overbearing. You treat us like people, working a job and doing the best we can.
we'll get to what the other stuff looks like in a minute. first, let's air some grievances.
SEATING:
most people who walk into a restaurant, dine, pay, and leave, have little to no understanding of the mechanisms at work in the restaurant. and every restaurant is different, so the ONE restaurant you worked in for a summer during college isn't going to give you special insight either.
here's what's happening.
if you walk into a restaurant and a host or hostess asks you if you have a reservation, just relax. it does not mean you NEED a reservation, and in fact in many places you don't. what the host is trying to figure out is if you are one of the names on the seating chart, and he or she can mark you as having arrived. we just want to know what's going on in our restaurant so we can be prepared. no one's implying you screwed up by not making a reservation. unless they're implying that, and you did. like, if its Valentine's Day.
this isn't generally annoying enough to register as a blip on the SAR...
...but i've seen people look bewildered and indignant because they were asked if they were expected or not.
your table:
if you have a reservation, that's excellent! it shows forethought and consideration, and it helps the restaurant work that much more efficiently, now that we know to expect you.
if you don't, don't sweat it! we didn't know you were coming, but we're glad you're here now.
either way, you are getting seated at your particular table for a reason. we've planned out the whole dining room, for the whole evening, reservation by reservation. the general rule of thumb is that it takes a table of two approximately 45 minutes to dine; for three or more, we allow for about an hour and a half.
if a restaurant starts serving at 5pm and you show up at 5:01 to an empty dining room, that does not mean you have your choice of seats. usually it is not much of a problem to do some finagling, especially if it's early enough, but don't expect to waltz into any place you choose, pick out some other table other than the one we give you, and expect the phrase "the customer is always right" to be a good enough argument. it isn't. because, soon, this dining room will be full of other customers, and one of them is supposed to be sitting and eating at the table you sat yourself at, and guess what? when he comes in and he doesn't have a table because we "gave it away" to you, he's going to be pissed. he's going to throw a fit, because he made a reservation! he should have a table! why? because "the customer is always right!"
you can't both be right.
but that other guy is more right than you are.
so, please, sit where we seat you.
if you ask to be seated at a different table, don't act like you're entitled to it. recognize that if we are able to, we'll do it, and if we aren't, then there's a good reason why we can't. all of this apart from server rotation schemes.
"but, i don't want to be near the (fill in the blank)"
ok, maybe its too cold/hot under the air vent, and you're a brittle, 80 year old woman. maybe you don't like being next to the bar/doorway/kitchen because its noisy, or people are walking by all of the time, or the bartender is effing ugly. whatever, i don't know. while these are slightly more legitimate excuses for relocating to another table, the biggest problem with these seats you want to get out of so badly is you. other people sit in them after you, and other people sat in them before you got there. they're fine seats.
most of the time it isn't that the seats are bad, its that someone was envisioning some other spot in the dining room they had sat in before -- you are perfectly welcome to request the dark corner or the booth when you make a reservation. but if that's where you want to sit and you don't tell anybody...well....you're SOL.
but if you don't mind waiting at the bar, that table should be ready in about 45 minutes to a half hour...
SALLY ALBRIGHT
when you modify menu items, only billy crystal thinks you're cute.
ok, here's the deal.
everyone has something they like, don't like, prefer not to eat, or are allergic to, and that is a sliding scale for some people, and for others it doesn't budge.
i've modified menu items before, i get it. sometimes blue cheese just sounds better than american cheese on that burger you haven't tasted yet.
most of the time, mods are not that annoying. understand that items appear on the menu because someone created, tested, and approved that menu, and if they're a chef worth their salt at all, its a good idea to at least give their recipe a shot. I realize you're laying down your hard earned money, and you want to enjoy your selection, but every now and again, just as a favor to ol' Dining Rumor, try that dish with the okra in it. LEAVE the tomatoes on there, maybe. be daring and try it WITH the sauce this time. usually the guys in the kitchen know what they're doing, so try to trust them.
but you really need to modify it, huh? ok. no problem. we're pros, here. in most cases, that's not an issue. if you want to modify a salad, i'm going to tell you that 99.9% of the time, it can be done. salads are literally thrown together. anything we have in our kitchen we can usually add to it (we're going to charge you...), and anything you don't want in it is easily left out. the only problem is if it comes with, say, an avocado-ranch dressing, and you don't like avacado. chances are you wouldn't notice anyway, but we can't take the avocado out. if we have regular ranch, we can give that to you, but we might only have avocado ranch. otherwise, i advise a different dressing.
and that's really the problem with mods right there: if its already prepped, its hard to change. we can't take carrots out of the stew, the stew's already made. we can't take the wasabi out of the wasabi mashed potatoes, because we mashed the wasabi right into the potatoes. please don't be upset with us when we are unable to perform the alchemy it would require to remove the garlic from the red sauce, the butter from the butter poached salmon, the whatever-it-is that makes your pee smell funny from your asparagus. some things are just not doable outside of hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
the other thing? working in a restaurant is an incredibly high-stress experience, especially as a member of the service staff, and here's why -- not only are we dealing with the public, which bends us to points at which we thought we'd break, but we also deal with the kitchen. some kitchens are great. efficient, responsive, just pumping out food, because, hey, we're all in this together. some kitchens suck, some cooks are cranky, some chefs are absurdly egomaniacal. when you ask for a stupid modification like "can i get the special salad as my side salad," (and there are reasons why that is stupid) and i bring that question back to a cranky kitchen, now i've got them pissed at ME. and when i come back to tell you "no" without all of the choice expletives the kitchen staff inevitably attach to it, then i've got you pissed at me too. juggling pissed off patrons in the front and a cranky kitchen in the back is no picnic.
in any other line of work or social interaction, it's considered bad form to shoot the messenger, but we walk around with targets on our backs and we're often getting shot at from both sides of the fence.
don't mistake this for me complaining, or telling you not to ask for what you want to ask for. it is, after all, my job to be put out on account of other people's wishes. that's what i am paid to do.
you are welcome to ask for anything. ask away! but sometimes, no really is just a no. we're not being withholding. we're not keeping all the good ingredients for the special customers. essentially, i am paid to tell you things you don't want to hear as politely as possible. because without me, you'd have to have this conversation with the folks in the back, and they don't bite their tongues as well as i do, i promise you that...
at any rate, if you have a list of ridiculous and insisted-upon modifications, you better plan on faking an orgasm in the middle of the restaurant just to make all the trouble worth it.
ok, one more
WHY TEA IS ANNOYING
its the end of dinner. everyone wants to fill up the corners with a hot post-dining beverage, and some dessert. yum. excellent, great, that's at least an extra ten to fifteen dollars onto the check.
everyone else at the table gets coffee; you order tea.
why is that such a big deal?
simply because of how out of proportion the labor is for the product. coffee? easy. even decaf is easy. we brew it in quantity. in comparison, tea is like nurturing a caterpillar into a butterfly.
coffee -- i can do this several ways. but the best way, if there's a lot of folks at the table, is to stack a tray full of cups, saucers, spoons, cream and sugar, set the table from the tray, and then pour the coffee from a carafe.
x number of coffees and 1 tea -- apart from setting up coffee for everyone else, bringing regular and decaf carafes to the table, you, tea drinker, get your very own little kettle of hot water. which means a third trip back to the table -- inefficient, a little annoying. this goes on a saucer lined with a napkin, quite apart from the cup and saucer -- with lemon? sure...(now i have to cut lemon and go back to your table)...this all while your tea water is cooling and we hope you don't ask for more hot water, as we're juggling some other inevitably more important aspect of a meal at someone else's table. oh, sure -- we have honey.....i'll be right back...with that...for you. in some joints, they'll bring a tea box from which patrons may select their own tea. this excuses the staff from memorizing and rattling off what teas they offer if they have a selection beyond Lipton's black tea, but on occasion it gets a server pinned to a wall. if someone's too old to see, you show them the teas and they ask you what you have anyway. or they can't decide. or don't bother to read whether or not that tea is decaf. or ask if you have any other kinds. or all of the above. lady, its tea. just pick one. someone, somewhere in the dining room is starving because you can't manage to pick out a tea. table 12's food is dying in the window, and whether or not they enjoy their experience at this restaurant, tip well or come back at all is riding on you picking out a tea that's closest to your favorite Celestial Seasonings bullshit flavored tea you stock in your dusty old cupboard at home. pick a goddamn tea!
the worst is going through that process as a banquet server. asking for tea during coffee service at a banquet is like tripping a runner at the finish line of a marathon. so, so close to being done...and then TEA. baaaahhhh!
its fine.
really.
i get it, i like tea as well.
i often drink the kind i like to buy for myself.
in the comfort of my own home.
out of my favorite mug.
alone.
yessirree, that's when tea is best.
really, though. get the tea. but let's both make it as painless as possible, hm?
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